Scan Results Aug 2017

Not the news we wanted to hear today.  The cancer spread even with the chemo.  His abdominal area and the fluid remain unchanged, which is great.  The right lung pretty much remained the same, but the left lung (where the spread first was identified) did progress a bit.  The Doctor’s measurement was about 10% – 15%.

So what now?  Well, we owe you all an update on the surgery status we spoke of from our visit to Houston.
The Friday before we left for our Club Med family vacation, we received a call from Dr. Sardi (Baltimore).  He had consulted with Dr. Sugarbaker (Houston) and they had agreed that surgery is NOT an option for Tim.  As we were told when visiting Houston, Sugarbaker could definitely do the lung surgery but said it didn’t really make sense if we couldn’t address the root of the problem, that being the spot in the abdominal area.  The spot cannot be operated on due to the blood vessels that are wrapped around it.  Too risky.  Sadness.  Frustration.  Anger.  Uncertainty.  All emotions that immediately flooded us.  We dealt with it and compartmentalized those feelings.  We took off with the girls and family friends and had an AMAZING vacation in Club Med.  We came home for a few days and took off on our annual family camping weekend with my side of the family the weekend after.  We most certainly have enjoyed the last couple of weeks.  We are thankful for every beautiful moment.
Now….  here we are.  Yes, as I said – not the news we wanted.  We are feeling heartbroken.  We are questioning a lot.  We feel an insurmountable level of pressure to make the right decision(s).  It is overwhelming, to say the least.
We are working to get in to one of the immunotherapy clinical trials through the NIH (NCI) in Baltimore.  We have already done some homework with them in anticipation of possibly needing this and I’m so thankful we did.  I will be contacting them today to see how quickly we can get in.  Dr. Tejani’s words were – tell the NIH your Oncologist said ‘the sooner, the better’.
Thank you all for your love and support.  As we always do, we will need some time for the four of us to digest this and become at peace with what I guess is our “new normal”.  I hate having to say that.  I just want ‘normal’….  but I cannot even remember what ‘normal’ is like, it has been so very long.  Feels like we have never lived without cancer and been ‘normal’.
In talking with the girls, Skyler was pretty dismissive and then looked at me and said, ‘I guess its just that I’m so used to getting bad news’….  wow, if that didn’t make my heart crumble to a million gazillion pieces.  Our precious Kenzie is the optimist, asking for exact measurement, percentages of change – actually asked ‘so we don’t know what the growth would have been without chemo Mom…  I mean, maybe it would have been more, maybe less…  right?’.  I hate to say that I like that her brain works that way, but I do.  Ahhhhhh, now my worry is when they go to their rooms for alone time or especially when they lay their beautiful little faces on their pillow tonight.  Will there be tears?  Anxiety?  Worry?  Of course there will be….and we won’t be able to help them with that at all.  The physical pain that my heart feels right now for those two and Tim cannot be described.  Don’t think it ever will be….  my Tim…  my beautiful Husband…  his heart, the pain and fear he must be feeling…
Thanks for the continued support.  Thanks for the prayers.  Thanks for the friendship.  Thanks for the love.
Embrace every moment you have.  ALWAYS say I love you with the most passion and meaning you have.  And make sure those that you love, FEEL your HUGE hugs.  Make sure that you touch their skin.  You kiss their face.  Feel the moisture and warmth of their lips.  Hold their hand.  Open the door for someone.  Say hello to those passing by.  Exchange a warm smile.  Help someone without their asking for your help.  Give where you can and be forever thankful, for everything.
XOXO, Denise
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