This one is for Denise… Nov 2016

Gosh how my heart aches and aches and ACHES…and then I take a deep breath, try to push it away and it aches more.  The tears they just don’t stop.  This damn kidney thing is throwing us for a loop.  We stopped chemo and should be starting to heal right?  I mean we watched his kidneys so closely during the 6 months of chemo.  It is one of the critical factors that does/does not allow you to have chemo each time.  Now, they just don’t want to seem to work right?  Really?  He woke this morning not certain of how he is feeling.  His voice is getting hoarse again (which was happening before) and he is somewhat winded again – I can see and sense his worry as well.  Gosh, really?  Is it really happening again?  We are scheduled for a follow up call/blood work today.  We will see… he rested a lot of Saturday once we got home and took it easy yesterday.  He ate really well and drank a lot – he did everything they asked him to do, and then some.  I have to believe he is continuing to heal and it is just taking a little time, right?  Well, let’s pray his follow up blood work looks better than when we left on Saturday.  That would be huge!

Here is my big ache today…  it is all of the EMOTIONAL friggen pain that my family is going through.  Sometimes I just stop what I’m doing and have to bury my face in my hands because the sadness is so overpowering.  I just cry and cry and cry and look out the window and wonder… what is this really all about?  Really, because this kid needs to know.  Where are the signs from Him that I’m suppose to follow?  Where is He?  Why is this happening?  Our babies…  why are they being put through this torture?  I was told by Mackenzie last night that Skyler got mad at her Friday afternoon for going in to her bedroom… because Skyler was in her bedroom CRYING, worried about Daddy being in the hospital.  So picture it…  we had friends bring them home from school.  They get dropped home and they’re alone and they’re sitting in an empty house not knowing what is happening with their Daddy.  THEY ARE FOURTEEN AND TWELVE YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What kind of torture is that on them?  What kind of emotions are throbbing through their bodies?  I mean honestly, what is this doing to them and how do I help?  Mackenzie was in really rough shape on Saturday, crying so very hard yelling about how she HATES this and not knowing how Daddy is and things not being the way they should.  Yet the girls, they want to be alone.  They don’t want other adults around.  They fear having to talk about this with anyone because they HATE crying.  They must be so sick of crying.  The must cry a lot on their own.  My god how sad the thought of that makes me…  these two little girls, hiding their fears and worries and crying to themselves.  It is just not fair.  And NO…. if you’re thinking they should join a group, see a Therapist, etc. that won’t happen.  It has been offered, it has been suggested, it has been seriously recommended – their answer is NO.

Then my wonderful Husband…  he was so excited to get his stable scan results and to go off chemo.  All he wanted was to spend time with Family & Friends and lots of time Hunting.  He is so heartbroken not to be able to go Hunting at all.  It honestly, is something he looks forward to all year and he can’t do it, it really, really saddens me.  There is just so much he wants to be doing, but he can’t and as any of you can imagine, that is so incredibly frustrating and sad.  Outside of going to work, he comes home and rests and I think that is really weighing on him.  We don’t live to work, we work to live and I know he is feeling the frustration of not being able to “get out and live”… to feel good, to get calls from friends to go out and catch up – it’s just not there any more.  You all know Tim doesn’t sit still well and this is just so difficult.  It is so seriously heartbreaking to watch.  I miss his smile…  I miss his energy…  I miss his laughter…  I miss his jokes and his funny side.  It has all been sucked out of him.  The emotional torture that this horrendous disease is putting my family through is sometimes just entirely too much to bear.

It is unbelievable for me to think and know there are other people in this world going through the same thing.  What is that saying?…  strength in numbers or the idea of feeling better knowing you’re not alone…  I’m going to say NO in this situation.  I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.  This is such a bizarre place.  Such confusing space.  One minute you’re so incredibly thankful and then the next minute you’re an absolute sobbing mess.

I cannot believe how much we used to take for granted.  I take nothing for granted now, nothing.  I appreciate every time that I get to touch Tim’s warm skin.  I embrace every hug in such a different way.  I really feel the love and energy that that hug generates.  When I kiss Tim or the girls, the softness of their lips and the love that it represents shoots straight to my heart and my heart feels like it could explode because hey – how many more beautiful kisses will I get?  I need to bottle up that energy from those hugs because we only get today.  WE ALL ONLY HAVE TODAY.  Do you really get that?  Do you?  Just today, that is all we have been given.  We woke this morning and we have started a new day and I hope you started it with so much appreciation and love.  I hope that you can start each morning, even with the rushing, the issues, the ‘stuff’, with a sense of knowing that today IS truly a gift and you need to treat it that way.  Stop the bitching about stuff.  Stop the HATING of people and things.  Stop the fighting.  Start respecting each other.  Be thankful for your health.  Start realizing that THIS IS IT.  This is a one time chance.  This is all you get and it is your choice to make the most of it.  It is your choice to look back on your life and know that you were good, that you did good and that you gave good.  Heaven forbid you need to, that you can tap in to that reserve tank of love, of hugs, of kisses, of moments that you REALLY truly felt, that you appreciated and that lives inside your body, your heart and your mind forever.  With every kiss, every hug, every encounter…really see it, feel it and appreciate it.  Don’t expect that there will always be another one, another day, another time.

Through my incredible sadness this morning…  while reminding all of you to be thankful for every day and to be your best and make it its’ best…  I have reminded myself to do so.  So thank you again, for this space that allows me to pour my heart out, to get my worries out of my insides because I don’t have anywhere else to do it.  I truly don’t.  I cannot talk about my heartache, my worries, my sadness with anyone and I cannot put this on Tim (yes sweetie, I know you read these entries but I don’t know what else to do to help myself, I’m sorry).  There is just an explosion in my head and heart and I need to release it and get the tears out so I can allow the sunshine of today in; one day at a time.

XOXO, Denise

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