The Wesley Family knows that awareness may possibly save your life – at the least, it will provide you with HOPE! Take a listen and then share this with everyone you know. Together, we can, will and are… making a difference.

Awareness of this cancer and the treatment(s) available are key to saving your life or extending it. The Wesley Family and BE uninTIMidated continue to work tirelessly to help others. Please help us.

Tomorrow, is “THE” day…  our last Chemo Infusion (we pray).  He was scheduled for 6 rounds and tomorrow is the 6th.  We are so very, very happy.  We dread the feeling crappy part, but we can muscle through as we always have especially knowing he will be done.  We will find out tomorrow when they plan to schedule his next scan to CONFIRM that the chemo worked.

We are incredibly thankful to have made it through all 6 rounds.  It sure has been a rough ride with lots of ups-and-downs but I can say that again, this time, we’ve come out a stronger “four” than we were going in.  We know that together we can get through anything.  That having family and friends like you in our corner fighting, cheering, praying and pushing us is an amazing blessing.  A blessing that we most definitely do not take for granted.  It is overwhelming sometimes the love that we feel and the fullness in our hearts; I so wish there was a way for me to express to you what it means to us.  This cancer crap is the scariest road we’ve ever been down and this road for us, never seems to have an end.  There are so many twists and turns and we are going 100 mph and cannot put the brakes on and it is overwhelming.  The feeling is always there that we are going to crash, that the road is going to be too much for us to maneuver but here we are…  we are crossing the finish line (again) and my goodness, it will feel so good.  The thought of the upcoming scan is beyond frightening, but for now, we will shake our pom-poms and cowbells and make lots of noise to celebrate this part of treatment – because WE DID IT!!!!!  I am so proud of us.  I love us.  I love my Husband so very deeply and he has again, been an incredible inspiration and example of perseverance for me, Skyler and Mackenzie.  They are so much stronger than yesterday and will be stronger tomorrow than today.  HE has done that for them…  they’ve seen him in some really low places, but get to see him fight his way back.  I am blessed.  We are blessed.

Gosh, we did it….  July 6th is almost here.  Thank you all so very much.  Almost time to do the HAPPY DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

XOXO, Denise

Tim knows how thin he is and that is truly weighing on him physically and emotionally.  His clothes fall off him.  He can’t even pull the belt tight enough on some of his stuff to be able to wear it.  He has his ostomy bag to contend with too and that is frustrating on top of the weight loss.  Several comments have been made about how thin he is….Tim KNOWS he is thin – he surely doesn’t need someone pointing it out to him, so try not to let him know you see that. I get frustrated with that sometimes, but then the other side of me is certain that people mean no harm.  There is nothing deliberate or malicious there.  I’m certain everyone loves Tim dearly and is concerned for and about him and that ‘just comes out’ because it is what you see.  I truly believe that some people’s brains talk to their mouths much quicker than others and the brain can process the consequence or the result of what would be said quickly and then a person can decide whether or not to say it – and some people don’t work that way.  It is very similar to me that says what I feel, calls a spade a spade and doesn’t hold back – yes, the me that doesn’t have a filter.  So I try to understand that we all react and function differently.

Yeah, tonight I’m sad.  Tonight I’m frustrated.  Tonight I will climb in to bed next to Tim and I will hold him as tight as I can.  I will be thankful that he is here lying next to me.  I will pray that he sleeps tonight and can sleep at least until 5am.  Tonight I am thankful for all of the people that love us and want to help us and want to provide us with every bit of support possible.  We need you guys.  This is damn scary stuff and we need to be able to “talk this stuff out” when we see you.  We apologize if it makes you uncomfortable because sometimes it just has to come out and you just might be the person in front of us when it does.  Sometimes we need to CRY and SCREAM and you might be the person standing if front of us when that happens and for that, I thank you in advance.  I think the girls are feeling it tonight – Tim’s not well condition.  It was evident.  There was no hiding it once we got home.  I think he did a pretty good job of ‘putting on his show’ at the Concert, but I think that took every ounce of energy that he had.

As always, this space is so safe for me.  I know I will not be judged.  I know that I will not be pitied.  I know that I will receive nothing but love, support and prayers and that is all we really need right now.

Effffff this cancer man – boy it pisses me off!

XOXO, Denise

I know that none of us know what the future will bring us and none of us are guaranteed any of what I just mentioned….but for us, it is just a little scarier, a little more at risk.  I should not be thinking that way at all.  I should be thinking about the great treatments, medicines, etc. that are being tested and approved every day that will kill this cancer.  Yes, I think about that.  My thoughts ping-pong back and forth to such extremes, it is exhausting.  I get so mad at myself when I get sad and cry.  When I allow worry and fear to consume me.  It robs me of the beauty that I have in every moment before me.  I get so disappointed in myself when I get weak enough to let that happen.

That is so not me.  I am not weak.  I am not negative.  I am the opTIMist.  I am the soldier you want on the front line because I won’t let anything or anyone harm those behind me.  But today – maybe it is the raining, gray, gloomy day – I am just too weak to fight off the sadness.  I have to believe though, that it is okay to let my eyes rid themselves of the pain.  To let my heart scream and cry as much as it needs to. God I get frustrated that this is me at this moment. When I cry like this it feels like I’m giving up, that I’m throwing the towel in, that I’m believing the treatments we have in mind won’t work.  AND THAT IS NOT IT AT ALL.  I do believe that it will work.  That there are treatments that will get rid of this cancer.  But I also think sometimes it truly does get to be a little too much….  that sometimes everything inside you that has been barely holding itself together needs to crumble so that it can rebuild.  I think that is it.  I have moments where I need to fall completely apart…  then I need to sit here with it.  I need to feel it.  I need to own it.  I need to accept it.  Then I need to pick myself back up slowly, piece by piece and take my time putting it all back together.  Yes, to rebuild slowly to make sure every piece is stable and in its place that it can withstand the storms inside me that I’m certain will be coming again.  I have to believe that it is okay to do this every once in a while.  Yes, it is okay.  I am not alone in this.  I know that many, if not all, that have or are experiencing cancer in their life feels the same.  And for that, I am so deeply sorry…  my heart breaks for each of you as well as for my own family.  This is such an ugly, lonely, heartbreaking place to be but unfortunately, we are here.

We will push through.  We will beat this.  We will get to the point of being disease free.  We will continue to share what we’ve learned with anyone that wants to know.  We will continue with our mission to help others – to save lives.  To pay it forward.  We will continue to love, give and help with all that we have.  Thanks again for this space and for letting me throw up all over this page  I feel a little better already.

Happy Tuesday to you all…  XOXO, Denise

We go for a refresher “chemo teach” appointment this Wednesday at 9:00am.  This is just a refresher on everything we need to know about chemotherapy, what to be careful of and what and how to handle everything.  Then Thursday morning we arrive at 11:30am to start the process.  If I recall correctly, we’re definitely there for 4-5 hours.

Tim feels really good other than the worry that sits and stirs in the pit of his stomach.  He knows what to expect, although there are no guarantees things will be the same this time.  He knows what he needs to do and the difficulties he will/may encounter.  We are ready to do this yet so sad and mad that we have to.  We were so ready for the good weather to be here and to kick back and enjoy an awesome summer on the motorcycles and on the softball and soccer fields with our girls….and Tim has been counting every second of the day getting ready for his Golf League to start up.  So yes, disappointment as the good weather finally arrived this week and we find ourselves in treatment this week.  I try not to be the ‘woe-is-me’ person and that most definitely is not my intent.  It is what it is and we must do what we must do.

Quick little story with the girls….they did not have school today.  So I am in the office working this morning and Skyler is out in the kitchen doing homework with music playing; music is how she communicates with me.  She blasts the song – A Little Too Much by Shawn Mendes and plays it a couple of times in a row.  If you’ve never listened to the song you should – it is beautiful and absolutely spot on.  She then follows that song up with If You Can Hear Me – Ben Rector… again, it couldn’t be more appropriate.  I know where her head and heart is and I know how very much she is hurting through this music.  I stayed in my office and cried and cried and peeked in to the kitchen and saw her doing the same.  We stayed separate but were more together than ever.  Mackenzie kept our minds and bodies busy this weekend with her Birthday celebrations Friday and again yesterday.  She is starting now to get worried about Thursday’s infusion.  Her questions will begin (again) at bedtime tonight.  Her worry will overwhelm her.  It will be a rough week all the way around.

Prayers for Tim’s strength, minimal side effects and effective chemotherapy on Thursday.  Pray for strength for Skyler and Mackenzie and for peace in their hearts and heads.  I hope you enjoyed this beautiful day.

XOXO, Denise

Also in touch with Dr. Sardi’s office and will connect with him on his assessment and recommended treatment plan by the end of the week.

XOXO, Denise

How do you know it will be okay?  What does okay mean?  It means: satisfactory but not exceptionally or especially good.  And what does satisfactory mean?  It means:  fulfilling expectations or needs; acceptable, though not outstanding or perfect.  So based on that, how can you tell someone facing such a diagnosis that it will be okay; it is not fulfilling their expectations or needs.  NOT EVEN CLOSE!  No one wants to hear from a loved one or acquaintance something like this because you don’t know that it will ‘be okay’.  Nothing in the situation of a cancer diagnosis is okay nor will it ever be okay.  No matter what the end result is – it is never, ever, ever okay.  It’s never fulfilling anyone’s expectations.  What those of us with Cancer in our lives have to do; we have to adjust our expectations and try to figure out what will be fulfilling – somewhere and at some point.

This Is Just Another Hurdle or Bump In The Road

When I think of a hurdle or a bump in the road, it is something that you quickly pass over and you keep on going.  Even if you catch your foot on the hurdle or trip over the bump, you immediately get back up and keep going.  This is not even close to what a Cancer diagnosis is.  You don’t get to jump right back up and keep going if you fall down.  You don’t get to fly through the air, leaping with success over the hurdle and go on to jump the next one and the next one until you get to the all time self-fulfilling Finish Line.  No, you don’t get to.  You fall down and it takes every ounce of your being to get back up and you don’t take off running again, because your energy has been completely sucked from you by a blood sucking leech called Cancer.  You are lucky if you have the energy to continue forward by crawling.  See the problem here is; we cannot see the Finish Line.  Actually, we are scared to death of what that Finish Line might be.  So no, don’t tell someone that is it just a bump in the road.  This is a bump the size of Mount Everest.  Go ahead and hurdle that.

Stay Strong

But what if we don’t?  What if we crack and fall to pieces?  What if this unknown becomes too much for us to take and we need to fall apart for a little bit?  What then?  Are we a failure?  We have been told by so many to ‘Stay Strong’ and we couldn’t do it.  We have no choice but to remain strong in faith and strong in determination and strong in hope…  so you telling us to ‘stay strong’ isn’t encouraging.  It is impossible – and I mean impossible – at times to ‘stay strong’.  The thought of your life being ripped out from under you throws you in to the eye of a tornado.  You are spinning absolutely out of control and you have no strength to help yourself.  You cannot control anything.  You cannot save anything that you once knew.  It is all gone in an instant.  One brief moment and it’s all gone.  Losing everything so quickly – everything you knew, everything you planned for.  That would make the strongest person crumble.

God Won’t Give You More Than You Can Handle

So when you tell someone that, they feel as if their Faith isn’t enough.  As if their God isn’t what they believe Him to be because IT FEELS LIKE TOO MUCH.  I will tell you there are days, sometimes many in a row, that you cannot handle it.  ‘Handling it’ is a relative term, it means something different to everyone.  There have been plenty of times that I haven’t ‘handled it’; I have gotten through it.  That’s it.  I went forward and on to the next battle ahead of my family.  You tell someone this as if you know how much they can handle?  You don’t.  You don’t even know what you can handle and where your breaking point is.

How about some things you CAN say?

I am here when you need me.  So when you say that, be sure to BE THERE when you are needed and when you ARE needed, bring your best listening ears and your biggest, broadest shoulders.

I am praying for you.   Do it.

I hope your day is as good as it can be.   This tells a person that you aren’t naïve to what they’re going through and you know that it is a day by day journey.

I love you.  Mean it.

I am sorry you’re going through this.   Empathy is a beautiful thing.  I don’t find it to be insulting, as I don’t like anyone to feel sorry FOR me, but when said the right way, with the right body language; being sorry about a situation can be comforting.

I think it is human nature to want to be the “Positive Penny”, the one that is the all-time Cheerleader, but you know what – THAT GET’S ANNOYING.  It isn’t all positive – you cannot always make lemonade from lemons.  This cancer shit sucks – and to say how badly it sucks, is okay!!!!!!  Us on the receiving end, we want to keep it real.  We have to deal with enough crap, and fight enough battles, that when we are with those we love and that love us, just keep it real.  Hey, if a tear comes to your eye, it is okay with us.  This sucks and is a sad, scary, crappy place to be and to be scared or worried with us and for us, IS OKAY.  We won’t fault you for being human.  We won’t fault you for showing your emotion.  You’re not going to bring us down.  You’re real and we love real.

Many may disagree with me and that is okay.  I’m certain there are plenty that are in the fight for their life against Cancer that need everyone to remain positive, optimistic, etc.  We of course want positive energy but not to the point that it makes you uncomfortable and you don’t know what to say so you revert to one of the ‘stand phrases’ above.  Keep it real with us.  One caution though; don’t cross the line of dumping and that’s a totally different place.  Dump your emotions outside of the circle and Tim, he is the center of this circle and the girls and I are the next layer.  Dump out, not in.  That is a totally different topic that I will find time for at a later time.

Life right now you would think, in the space that we are in with Tim feeling well and currently showing No Evidence of Disease, should be pretty care-free, right? Then why can I not stop thinking about it and somewhat obsessing about it? I worry SO much about our family. I WORRY ABOUT TIM. I don’t think an hour goes by that I don’t worry about it coming back or wondering what is happening inside his body at this very moment. Too many have had aggressive recurrence lately immediately following NED results or successful surgeries. It is so alarming how sneaky this cancer is. I think an awful lot about this Fall and the scan that will come in mid-September. I worry because this is the longest we have gone without a scan – it will be 7 months. Yes, that is great and many of you, I’m certain, are having a hard time understanding how and why I allow the worry to take up space in my head and heart. I wonder that too. I can usually control and manage everything in my life but I cannot seem to master this. It takes an incredible amount of energy to fight the thoughts out of my mind when they come in, and I fight them every day, all day, with an enormous amount of determination.

It is so scary. It is so difficult and exhausting every day to fight the thoughts that haunt me. It is hard to remember and believe that everything is happening exactly as it should. It is sometimes near impossible to believe that this is the way it was meant to be and that He has a beautiful, wonderful plan for us. It is painful to see the bad in the world and know that something so horrific is happening to those you love, those that are so giving and loving… it is troublesome, to say the least.

The intent of this entry is to give you an update on the family since I have neglected to do so in a very long time. Tim is amazing. He feels good for the most part. As the weather gets warmer, he needs to be very diligent about his hydration so he doesn’t start feeling poorly. He is working like a mad-man and his business is thriving (for the most part). His Golf League has kicked off and he is loving his Tuesday nights with the guys. The girls are keeping us running with school events, friends, soccer and softball. He and I are loving every single minute of the madness. Tim continues to spend a good amount of time talking with others battling cancer. He continues to provide them with an abundance of hope and serves as an absolute inspiration to them and their families. They are the most beautiful moments for me to witness; he is truly a gift to so many. More amazing is to see the girls watch and listen to him. They sacrifice THEIR time with Daddy so he can help others and that, is the most precious gift of all. These moments are molding our daughters in to two of the most compassionate, beautiful, giving people I may ever know. They live by our words of: #GiveGoodGetGood. Just this morning Mackenzie was taking money out of her wallet to bring to school – they are having a Book Fair – and she knows that a little girl in her class won’t be able to buy anything today so Mackenzie wants to buy something for her. These are the moments that are very telling and make us incredibly proud.

The girls are good. Our family is doing really well. We still pray together EVERY night as they lay their heads on their pillows – we pray together, out loud, and ask for “Daddy’s cancer to stay away for a long, long, long, long, long time”. I remember when this all started and we began praying together, we would ask for “Daddy’s cancer to go away” but when we talked about that prayer and that request, it really didn’t seem reasonable with the cards we had been given. So we wanted to ask God for something that seemed reasonable, something that we were comfortable with. I love to say that prayer with them every night. When we get to that part of the prayer, our hands squeeze tighter and our eyes squint harder and you can feel the seriousness and sincerity of the request. The energy and love fills me up completely.

I always leave their rooms with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart. That my friends is what prayer can do for you. If you are lost or needing direction or feeling the love and appreciation for all that you have, take a moment to pray. Pray and give thanks for the beauty in your life. Pray to ask for the strength you need to get through your challenging times. If you’re lost, pray and ask God what His will is and ask for a sign to guide you; the key then is to have your eyes open. Be aware of what is around you; Trust and Believe. Prayer… it is powerful.

Our family thanks you all for your continued love and support. Yesterday morning at Mackenzie’s concert, one of the Teachers said hello and put her hand on Tim (said nothiing more) and squeezed tight as she walked by. Whew, it is the littlest of moments sometimes that provide us with the greatest amount of strength. We know that it is because of your love and support that our little foursome here is as strong as we are. It is because of you that we can #payitforward and help others.

As always… Give Good, Get Good.