worry
[wur-ee, wuhr-ee] /ˈwɜr i, ˈwʌr i/
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verb (used without object), worried, worrying.
1. to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret.
Life right now you would think, in the space that we are in with Tim feeling well and currently showing No Evidence of Disease, should be pretty care-free, right? Then why can I not stop thinking about it and somewhat obsessing about it? I worry SO much about our family. I WORRY ABOUT TIM. I don’t think an hour goes by that I don’t worry about it coming back or wondering what is happening inside his body at this very moment. Too many have had aggressive recurrence lately immediately following NED results or successful surgeries. It is so alarming how sneaky this cancer is. I think an awful lot about this Fall and the scan that will come in mid-September. I worry because this is the longest we have gone without a scan – it will be 7 months. Yes, that is great and many of you, I’m certain, are having a hard time understanding how and why I allow the worry to take up space in my head and heart. I wonder that too. I can usually control and manage everything in my life but I cannot seem to master this. It takes an incredible amount of energy to fight the thoughts out of my mind when they come in, and I fight them every day, all day, with an enormous amount of determination.
It is so scary. It is so difficult and exhausting every day to fight the thoughts that haunt me. It is hard to remember and believe that everything is happening exactly as it should. It is sometimes near impossible to believe that this is the way it was meant to be and that He has a beautiful, wonderful plan for us. It is painful to see the bad in the world and know that something so horrific is happening to those you love, those that are so giving and loving… it is troublesome, to say the least.
The intent of this entry is to give you an update on the family since I have neglected to do so in a very long time. Tim is amazing. He feels good for the most part. As the weather gets warmer, he needs to be very diligent about his hydration so he doesn’t start feeling poorly. He is working like a mad-man and his business is thriving (for the most part). His Golf League has kicked off and he is loving his Tuesday nights with the guys. The girls are keeping us running with school events, friends, soccer and softball. He and I are loving every single minute of the madness. Tim continues to spend a good amount of time talking with others battling cancer. He continues to provide them with an abundance of hope and serves as an absolute inspiration to them and their families. They are the most beautiful moments for me to witness; he is truly a gift to so many. More amazing is to see the girls watch and listen to him. They sacrifice THEIR time with Daddy so he can help others and that, is the most precious gift of all. These moments are molding our daughters in to two of the most compassionate, beautiful, giving people I may ever know. They live by our words of: #GiveGoodGetGood. Just this morning Mackenzie was taking money out of her wallet to bring to school – they are having a Book Fair – and she knows that a little girl in her class won’t be able to buy anything today so Mackenzie wants to buy something for her. These are the moments that are very telling and make us incredibly proud.
The girls are good. Our family is doing really well. We still pray together EVERY night as they lay their heads on their pillows – we pray together, out loud, and ask for “Daddy’s cancer to stay away for a long, long, long, long, long time”. I remember when this all started and we began praying together, we would ask for “Daddy’s cancer to go away” but when we talked about that prayer and that request, it really didn’t seem reasonable with the cards we had been given. So we wanted to ask God for something that seemed reasonable, something that we were comfortable with. I love to say that prayer with them every night. When we get to that part of the prayer, our hands squeeze tighter and our eyes squint harder and you can feel the seriousness and sincerity of the request. The energy and love fills me up completely.
I always leave their rooms with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart. That my friends is what prayer can do for you. If you are lost or needing direction or feeling the love and appreciation for all that you have, take a moment to pray. Pray and give thanks for the beauty in your life. Pray to ask for the strength you need to get through your challenging times. If you’re lost, pray and ask God what His will is and ask for a sign to guide you; the key then is to have your eyes open. Be aware of what is around you; Trust and Believe. Prayer… it is powerful.
Our family thanks you all for your continued love and support. Yesterday morning at Mackenzie’s concert, one of the Teachers said hello and put her hand on Tim (said nothiing more) and squeezed tight as she walked by. Whew, it is the littlest of moments sometimes that provide us with the greatest amount of strength. We know that it is because of your love and support that our little foursome here is as strong as we are. It is because of you that we can #payitforward and help others.
As always… Give Good, Get Good.