I am beyond sad today. The thought of not having Tim with me through the “golden years” is so paralyzing. We’ve worked so hard to be good people, be good friends/neighbors, to support our family, to have a nice home and to raise well rounded Daughters that will grow in to beautiful young women. They will bring us Grandchildren… and seriously, what could be better than enjoying Grandchildren? The thought of him not holding my hand as we look to get them their first car in a couple of years, is too much. To possibly not be sitting next to me beaming with pride at Graduations that are approaching in just a short 4 and 6 years, I can’t stand the thought. To cry our eyes out together as they leave us to go to College. To maybe not share their ‘first drink’ (ha ha, I know) when they turn 21 – that is something Tim has talked about for a long time – how fun that will be! To not see his incredibly handsome face walk those beautiful girls down the aisle? To possibly not see the tears stream down his face as he holds his first grandchild? It all is just too much to bear!
I know that none of us know what the future will bring us and none of us are guaranteed any of what I just mentioned….but for us, it is just a little scarier, a little more at risk. I should not be thinking that way at all. I should be thinking about the great treatments, medicines, etc. that are being tested and approved every day that will kill this cancer. Yes, I think about that. My thoughts ping-pong back and forth to such extremes, it is exhausting. I get so mad at myself when I get sad and cry. When I allow worry and fear to consume me. It robs me of the beauty that I have in every moment before me. I get so disappointed in myself when I get weak enough to let that happen.
That is so not me. I am not weak. I am not negative. I am the opTIMist. I am the soldier you want on the front line because I won’t let anything or anyone harm those behind me. But today – maybe it is the raining, gray, gloomy day – I am just too weak to fight off the sadness. I have to believe though, that it is okay to let my eyes rid themselves of the pain. To let my heart scream and cry as much as it needs to. God I get frustrated that this is me at this moment. When I cry like this it feels like I’m giving up, that I’m throwing the towel in, that I’m believing the treatments we have in mind won’t work. AND THAT IS NOT IT AT ALL. I do believe that it will work. That there are treatments that will get rid of this cancer. But I also think sometimes it truly does get to be a little too much…. that sometimes everything inside you that has been barely holding itself together needs to crumble so that it can rebuild. I think that is it. I have moments where I need to fall completely apart… then I need to sit here with it. I need to feel it. I need to own it. I need to accept it. Then I need to pick myself back up slowly, piece by piece and take my time putting it all back together. Yes, to rebuild slowly to make sure every piece is stable and in its place that it can withstand the storms inside me that I’m certain will be coming again. I have to believe that it is okay to do this every once in a while. Yes, it is okay. I am not alone in this. I know that many, if not all, that have or are experiencing cancer in their life feels the same. And for that, I am so deeply sorry… my heart breaks for each of you as well as for my own family. This is such an ugly, lonely, heartbreaking place to be but unfortunately, we are here.
We will push through. We will beat this. We will get to the point of being disease free. We will continue to share what we’ve learned with anyone that wants to know. We will continue with our mission to help others – to save lives. To pay it forward. We will continue to love, give and help with all that we have. Thanks again for this space and for letting me throw up all over this page 
I feel a little better already.
Happy Tuesday to you all… XOXO, Denise