Ahhhh, tonight – all I can see and feel is sadness. Actually, I can’t see because the tears are blurring everything. I hate this. I hate days like today. It has been a rough one. I still chose to be positive. To smile. To soak in every ray of sunshine that I could. To embrace the hugs and the hand-holding that I was blessed to encounter. I embraced the smiles of Skyler and Mackenzie at every moment possible. I couldn’t find a smile on Tim’s face although I looked and looked… then looked again… nothing. It is lost for today and when I see him without his smile, without his oomph… it tears me apart. He is exhausted and I mean really tired today. He is feeling really weak. His mouth hurts (we have a new med from the Doctor that we’re going to try-hope it works!). He is mad. I said to him tonight sitting at Skyler’s Spring Band Concert… ‘what’s wrong honey, you seem mad. Are you mad about something’ and he said “YES”. I looked puzzled wondering what could have happened while I wasn’t there… he looked and said “I’m mad about the obvious. It is so frustrating”. Whew, I wish I could take this for him. He has been through so very much and to watch him continue to push and fight all the time is heartbreaking.
Tim knows how thin he is and that is truly weighing on him physically and emotionally. His clothes fall off him. He can’t even pull the belt tight enough on some of his stuff to be able to wear it. He has his ostomy bag to contend with too and that is frustrating on top of the weight loss. Several comments have been made about how thin he is….Tim KNOWS he is thin – he surely doesn’t need someone pointing it out to him, so try not to let him know you see that. I get frustrated with that sometimes, but then the other side of me is certain that people mean no harm. There is nothing deliberate or malicious there. I’m certain everyone loves Tim dearly and is concerned for and about him and that ‘just comes out’ because it is what you see. I truly believe that some people’s brains talk to their mouths much quicker than others and the brain can process the consequence or the result of what would be said quickly and then a person can decide whether or not to say it – and some people don’t work that way. It is very similar to me that says what I feel, calls a spade a spade and doesn’t hold back – yes, the me that doesn’t have a filter. So I try to understand that we all react and function differently.
Yeah, tonight I’m sad. Tonight I’m frustrated. Tonight I will climb in to bed next to Tim and I will hold him as tight as I can. I will be thankful that he is here lying next to me. I will pray that he sleeps tonight and can sleep at least until 5am. Tonight I am thankful for all of the people that love us and want to help us and want to provide us with every bit of support possible. We need you guys. This is damn scary stuff and we need to be able to “talk this stuff out” when we see you. We apologize if it makes you uncomfortable because sometimes it just has to come out and you just might be the person in front of us when it does. Sometimes we need to CRY and SCREAM and you might be the person standing if front of us when that happens and for that, I thank you in advance. I think the girls are feeling it tonight – Tim’s not well condition. It was evident. There was no hiding it once we got home. I think he did a pretty good job of ‘putting on his show’ at the Concert, but I think that took every ounce of energy that he had.
As always, this space is so safe for me. I know I will not be judged. I know that I will not be pitied. I know that I will receive nothing but love, support and prayers and that is all we really need right now.
Effffff this cancer man – boy it pisses me off!
XOXO, Denise