Here I am again a sobbing mess. A bundle of complete and total anxiety. A nice, ‘friendly’ little reminder pops up on my screen to give me a heads up that there are CT Scan Results 1 month from today. At this exact time. Yes, 1 month from today. I’m sad, I’m worried, I’m optimistic.
I am sad. We have been plugging along so happily… living this beautiful life and being most appreciative for it. Then last night, it was like life has a way of keeping you in line. Not letting you stray too far away… like there is some sort of retracting line attached to you… if you go too far from your REAL life, your REALITY, it will pull you right back. So last night, the four of us are sitting in the living room, after swimming, after dinner, after showers and Tim just sits in the chair to relax and is taken over by extreme abdominal pain, with the girls sitting right there. So there he is, stopped in mid-sentence to silence… grabbing his stomach and gasping as he pushes through it. There are the girls, horrified, scared… Skyler went to bed pretty anxious asking “Mommy, why did that happen?”, “What does that mean?”, “Will it happen again?”. I answer her as truthful as I can using the words Hope and Believe, a lot. The look on her face brought back so many terrible memories… so many sad, scary nights… we’ve put those times away, behind us, they are just bad times, bad memories… and to have that happen again; it is so sad. Then there she is, little Mackenzie, sitting on the couch with “her blanket” and she had it pulled up to her eyes and she was just staring at me, peering deep in to my eyes every time I looked at her, not saying a word. It is so painful.
We are so thankful for all of the days we’ve been having where those are all bad memories… I never thought we would ever get here. So let me be sure to say that I am thankful and I do appreciate this and I am blessed… but let me also say, that I am so not okay with it. Yes, I know that God has a greater plan for us… I know He knows what he is doing and it will all make sense and that it will be more beautiful than any of us can ever imagine… I do know that, but for now, today, in this moment right here, I am so not okay with it and I think that is okay with Him. I spend my days reminiscing and thinking of the 20 years that we’ve spent together. The crazy, fun, wild, beautiful times. Then when he’s finally home from work and we’re together, I’m so in the moment, so loving the sound of his voice and every breath that he takes. Then as I lay my head down at night, I see us in the future. I see us as Grandparents. I see Tim with his Son-In-Laws… I see them laughing, telling stories together… I see Sunday mornings spent golfing and Fall weekends hunting… and I see us all together every week for Sunday dinner.
Look outside right now… look at the beauty that surrounds you… forgive those that wrong you… let go of the things that weigh you down… don’t let anything take your moments from you… don’t miss the signs that surround you every day… there are so many. Pay attention to life… don’t pass it by… know that life is a beautiful gift and is really, way too short. Make memories with those you love… help those in need. Talk to people; make new friends, rekindle old friendships and mend broken ones. LIFE IS TOO SHORT.
There are so many people out there fighting to have just one more moment, to make just one more memory with those they love… don’t waste your moments. Make the most of them.
XOXO, Denise
Scan Date: November 21st @ 7:15am EST
Results Date: November 22nd @ 1pm EST
God Bless…