Scanxiety…today is July 10th…

Well, my stomach is in knots, my heart is full of worry and excitement, my eyes well with tears of fear and happiness…  We are quickly approaching the ONE YEAR Anniversary of Tim’s life saving surgery with Dr. Armando Sardi.  I like to refer to July 26th as Tim’s 2nd Birthday…  he was given life, he was reborn in so many ways…  and so was I – so were the girls – so was our extended family – as well as some of our dearest friends that were closest to us throughout this battle.

So I often wonder….  what was life like before Cancer?  I wonder….  will a day ever come where it is not on our mind?  With time and continued NED results…. do we ever really let out a sigh of relief?  I’m not saying we haven’t been enjoying ourselves…  and yes, there have definitely been several times where we’ve been enjoying ourselves so much that Cancer wasn’t the first/only thing on our mind – so for that, we are incredibly thankful and happy.  Life is richer and more meaningful because of Cancer…  yet in so many ways, it has succeeded in taking so much from us that we will never ever get back.  Who ever thought at age 43 and 42, with an 11 and 9 year old, that our worry would be this…  you don’t think that.  No one does…

This is just Scanxiety right?  I’m freaking out, as I probably always will, when it is time for a Scan.  That must be what is going on with me.

I get so pissed off with how different life is…  I always worry and become consumed with how Tim feels inside.  I really try to understand, which I know I cannot, how this impacts him. It is hard when he disconnects from us, from me.  He has so much going on with his business, with the girls, with me, with himself outside of work and then he has this, always, always, always hanging on him…  always this huge weight on his shoulders…  today, as I think back on just the last week or so, I just want to scream – I am mad – I want him to live care free – I want him to be that happy, secure, go go go guy, that feels good, that doesn’t get punched in the face with discomfort, with not being able to do what he used to do, the way he used to do it.  Yet as I type, I also have to reflect on the wonderful changes it has brought…  just so much beauty, so much appreciation, so much quality, so much purpose… life is just so different. I continue to work to accept it and in most ways I think I have… and I think Tim has… and the girls have… and we’re pretty cool with it. It is just those moments that we have, those reminders that come out of no where that remind us that we are NOT the same people we were. It is hard to digest. It is really hard to explain… but it is heavy my friends. It is definitely not something that you can just roll with. You cannot just accept it and move on in to your new normal with everything. There are certain things – places, songs, smells, sounds, events… it is sometimes, the absolute smallest things that will send me in to a state of uncontrollable crying… I am guessing the same happens for Tim but only a gazillion times worse and I’m sure much more frequent.

I think maybe the space we are in right now and why I’m feeling disconnected and missing him is due to our worry about the scan. We tend to isolate prior to that time. I think between that MAJOR event and being so busy with work, the girls and just every day life…I feel like we are strangers much of the time. Things honestly have been really great, but now, right now in this past couple of weeks and in my present moment, I miss him. I really do. Physical pain of the heart must be one of the worst pains ever. Not just heart ache, but actual pain.

So onward we go… two weeks – 14 days – 336 hours – 20,160 minutes… until we head out for our scan and then an additional day for the results. Tim has worked so hard. He is so amazing and is helping many therefore I believe the result must be that of NED. I just don’t think I could handle any result other than that. Let me re-phrase that – with God I know I can handle anything – I don’t WANT to have to handle anything. July 26th is a Friday. It is the one year anniversary of his Surgery. It is Tim’s 2nd Birthday. It is the day we will receive our 1 Year post CRS/HIPEC Scan Results of NED… so SAVE THE DATE… I think there just might be a pretty big “Happy Dance” on our front lawn followed by an evening of celebration – open house type of style… bring your own beverages… bring chairs… we will be camped out here all night celebrating. Stop by for a quick hug or for several hours, just come by to congratulate my wonderful Husband on his outstanding NED results.

Love to you all. I sure hope, if you were ever asked, that you all could come up with a few things you’ve done to help others – what you’ve done to pay it forward. Remember, it is as simple as picking something up for someone. Asking someone if they need help with something. Holding a door open for someone. Sharing a hug… Sharing a smile… doing something for someone you know or a complete stranger, without expecting something in return. Just know that the feeling you will have inside, when you make this a part of your every day life, is the most full, most wonderful, most rewarding feeling that I think you might ever be able to feel.

Hope to see you on the 26th… XOXO, Denise

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