Two years ago today, this Monday, (it was April 2, 2012) at 6:30pm EST and our world collapsed around me. Per Dr. Johnson with sadness in his face, “it does not look good”. I fell to my knees. Noises and voices were echoing in my head. There were screams coming from my mouth that we horrifying. Noises that one never knows could ever come from them. I hear them… wow, how I hear them. I feel the pain that surged through my entire body, just like it was yesterday. There were family and friends there in the Lobby of Highland Hospital. Then there was Dave, trying to pick me up, trying to hold me, trying to keep me together – although I know he too, wanted to fall apart. There was my Sister, staring at me with the most empty, painful look in her eyes… my brother and Lynn, their faces in complete and utter shock. Friends, looking, listening, not knowing what to do. Then, in to a small, confining, limiting conference room I went while Dr. Johnson tried to explain what he saw during laparoscopic surgery. I didn’t understand anything. All I knew was that I wanted to get to Tim as quickly as I possibly could. All I knew was that my wonderful Husband knew none of this and was lying somewhere alone waiting to awake from surgery. That he would be nervous and scared and want to know the result and I was the person to tell him. The Doctors told me it would be best to come from me. So there he was finally getting wheeled to his room where I could be with him, at about 10pm. There he was in that bed with those beautiful, giving, loving eyes staring at me. How does one deliver such news? I am still in disbelief sometimes that I actually had to. Two years ago… and the changes that have come since then, physically and emotionally, are just astounding when I sit back and think about it.
We have been truly held in God’s hands. He has sat next to me on many occasions and I believe has picked me up off my knees when I didn’t know how to get up. I know that he remains with my Husband and my daughters. He is with all of us and through this journey every step of the way. This life that we live now is more painful that I could ever try to explain to any of you, yet more rewarding than anyone deserves. Tim and I live our lives the best that we can appreciating every second that we have together. Things look SO different to us now. We see what so many will never see and for that, we are forever thankful. At the same time, it is not easy to live that way. It takes a conscious effort, every minute of every day. It is so easy to let your guard down and then, the evil seeps in. It makes you so heavy and so unbelievably sad. I admit in, I let that happen more than I’d like, but I forgive myself easily because I am human. I do worry, although I know whole-heartedly that it does no good.
Do I even have a purpose for this entry? I actually don’t… I am just in that space this morning where I know how BLESSED we are, but I’m totally overwhelmed with the feeling of this day two years ago. I sit here in my office this morning and think nothing more than of Tim and what is running through his heart and mind. It PAINS ME SO MUCH I want to scream!!!!!! I get so incredibly mad!!!!! I want to take that pain and worry for him. I don’t want him to be sad… the thoughts and heartache that must come to be so raw for him at this time of year, well… I cannot even try to pretend to know or understand.
I am often amazed at the amount of tears that one person can produce. I think this morning I am testing the theory that they could dry up. I am having a hard time catching my breath and pulling it together. Who knew it would be so hard, this far out…
So I guess yes, I do have a purpose for this post. If you have a spare minute and you can send up a prayer for my wonderful Husband, I truly would appreciate it. Pray for peace in his mind and heart as he goes through the next couple of days. Reliving it all is so hard – you cannot even try to imagine (well some of you can). I’m hoping that Skyler and Mackenzie are oblivious to this time of year… I really hope they are. I don’t want them to replay it all, although I know Skyler does more than I want to know. You can see it in her eyes every time she looks at Tim. Mackenzie, well she is just so thankful that she has her playful, fun Daddy here every day, she gets the thankful for every moment.
Prayers for those three if you would and maybe a quick one for me. I am strong, very strong, but this sometimes gets the best of me and this, right here and now, I admit it – it is tough. I am sad. But it is okay to have sad days… as long as they don’t start stringing together. My Faith always pulls me through because I know there is a much greater plan and that this right here and now, is exactly as it should be. We are blessed to be given this opportunity to Pay It Forward and help save the lives of others. We are truly BLESSED that Tim is here, two years later, with No Evidence of Disease. Yes, we are very thankful.
If you get lost along the path of your life, all you need to do is stop… and put your face to the sky. Take a deep breath and feel His love. Know that you are his child and are exactly where you are supposed to be. Trust Him and what is to come… but most importantly DO GOOD. Get out of your own space and what “you want” and give to others. Know that this is your real purpose here… what you have or what you’ve accomplished, if it doesn’t help others then what is it really for? Give a smile, a hug, a kind word, a helping hand. Have purpose my dear friends and always remember: Give Good, Get Good.
Thank you for your support today and always.