I feel so guilty when I cry, but crying is all I can do when I’m alone. I am constantly on the phone with people during the day for work or with people in the afternoon and evenings due to the girl’s busy sports schedules. I have no time to let it out and honestly, when I’m alone is the only time I feel safe enough to let it go. I feel bad when I do.
Crying, Believing, Trusting May 2017
1. to utter inarticulate sounds, especially of lamentation, grief, or suffering, usually with tears.
I don’t really want to talk to anyone about what is going on. But most of all, I really don’t want to hug you. Let me change that… oh how I DO want to hug you, but I can’t. Just know that I can’t. Know that I mean nothing toward you when I pass by. I am entirely too fragile right now and I think Tim is too. When you’re in as much emotional pain as we are right now, having someone hug you brings out that pain. It is like a magnet…it just sucks it all up to the surface and makes us cry immediately. We don’t want to cry in front of you. We don’t want to make you uncomfortable. We don’t want to make you feel sad or bad. We don’t want to take away your sunshine and the enjoyment of whatever it is that you’re doing. You see… we don’t know where we are right now and it is scary as hell.
Crying is draining. It is so tiring. I know it cleanses the soul, but it also weakens the body. Tim and I both feel SO weak. Our bodies are achy. We feel like it takes every bit of energy that we have just to walk somewhere. Our legs and arms are so heavy. Our heads are filled with worry. Our hearts are bleeding. Yes, our hearts are weighing us down right now. When I cry, I feel guilty – I feel like crying means I’ve given up, that I don’t have any Hope, that my Faith is withering…and I have NOT given up. I DO have Hope and I AM holding on with all that I have to my Faith. It is just so unbelievably hard.
We feel like we are back to where we were in April 2012 and in a way, we sort of are. All I want to do every day is lay in bed with the covers over my head holding on with all I have to my Husband. I don’t ever want to let go. I want to protect him and hide him from this ugly disease, but I can’t, we can’t.
We are choosing to believe that there just might be some treatment out there to keep Tim with us for many, many, many years. We know that if there is, we are going to have to find it. We are fighting through every day with every ounce of energy we have. I keep reading, Tim keeps talking to people and we just keep pushing for something… we don’t know what it is yet, but we most certainly are determined to find it. I think we just need to give ourselves a week or so to sit with this news. To let our bodies cry however it is they want to and whenever it is that they want to. I believe that if we can continue to let all of the tears out, it will make that much more room for the smiles.
The girls are okay, at best. They do a really good job of hiding their feelings in front of everyone – including us. Something so very little, and I mean little, happened yesterday to Skyler and it was such a big deal to her – that kid doesn’t cry in front of us or anyone, hardly ever, and she lost it. She was on the phone with me at school, crying. Mackenzie started crying in the middle of Math class a couple of days ago – she said, ‘for no reason Mom – it just felt like everything was too much’. Ahhhhh as Parents to not be able to take the pain and worry away from your children is one of the worst feelings in the world. To know the turmoil that is going on inside their heads and hearts is pure torture. The Wesley Family is not in a good emotional state right now but believe this, we are Hopeful, we are trusting that God will help us through this and we know we have the support of our friends, family and community and an incredible team of Doctors. What more could we ask for at this point, right?
Tim has had another conversation with Dr. Sardi and he has asked to see us in Baltimore to discuss the situation and what options are available. Dr. Sardi has also asked that we meet with Dr. Ledakis, Medical Oncologist, to discuss what chemotherapy treatments will work best to slow this down. We are heading to Baltimore on Wednesday, May 17th.
We are traveling to Houston, TX Tuesday, May 23rd to seek the opinion of one of the country’s top Thoracic Surgeons.
We are also in the middle of identifying NIH Clinical Trials for Tim’s specific type of cancer. There appears at first glance, to be a couple of potentially promising options. We are continuing to work on that.
Lastly, we are going to be start chemo as soon as possible. It looks like next Thursday or Friday.
That’s it for now. Thank you for your support and love for our family. We may seem to be pulling back right now but we need your love, friendship and prayers more than ever. We just need to figure out our best way to function in public and still deal with the absolute agony that is tearing us apart inside. We just need time to cry it out and then have the energy to pick ourselves back up….and we will.