Feeling a little funky today… I think it was the utter shock in Mackenzie’s eyes and face last night at the dinner table when I referred to this time as “Scan Month”… oh that baby wasn’t even thinking about a scan coming up. Skyler… well, I think she is always thinking about it, but with the innocence of our youngest daughter, it is not front of mind. I’m afraid I’ve now made it front of mind for her and all of us. She said “Oh Mommy, that scares me”… Yes, the tears flow pretty steadily this morning and that frustrates me.
I try to continue to remain steady in my Faith and my Trust that all is as it should be and that whatever happens is out of my control and will lead us exactly where we should be going, but that FEAR, that Fear keeps rearing its ugly head and overpowering everything. Whew, the thoughts of not getting good news and having to enter that ‘ring’ again terrifies me.
I’ve also been thinking about all of our friends that we’ve lost to this terribly ugly disease and I think that is what scares me. How quickly life can turn. How quickly life can change. I think about our friends that have disease present and are fighting it with either chemo, more surgeries or just by trying to manage through the pain praying it will stay steady and not progress. I think about those that have gone, whew, there have been so many in less than a year; Kerri, Nick, Doug, Scott, Inder, DC, Tyler, Jim, Felicia, Amy… too many. Too many people to think about at one time because I don’t think the human heart is made to withstand that much sadness.
Ahhh crap, I hate days like today where that lump in my throat is so incredibly large and the edges are so sharp that I can barely swallow. Where my eyes are so blurry because they won’t stop filling with tears and my cheeks burn terribly from the constant stream falling on them. My shirt is wet. My hands, they tremble. My stomach is in turmoil. I hate days like today.
How is Tim doing? How is he feeling? What is he thinking? He has been so INSANELY busy at work the past 5 – 6 months that I hope he doesn’t have a moment to think about it… I pray that’s what it is. And I pray that when he gets home to me and the girls he is so thankful to be home and be with us, that there is no time for that Fear and Worry to seep in to his heart and head. Those are my prayers and wishes for him… if only I could trust that they’d be or come true. I don’t think a day ever goes by that he isn’t scared beyond belief. Imagine living that way? I hate that he has to, but will say how thankful I am that we are here together to fight through the Fear.
Well, it is going to be what it is going to be. I know that God is Good. I trust in His plan. I know that we are in His hands. We have to just get through the next 18 days the best we can. With artificial smiles to make everyone feel that we are okay, if we so choose. With tears, if we choose. With absence/hiding, if we choose. We will get through this however we do, we always have and always will. It just is, what we do.
Thank you endlessly for your love and prayers, for you smiles and winks, for your gentle touches and your strong hugs. Until you stand in these shoes you’ll never, ever know how much the littlest wink or slightest smile can mean to us. I pray you will never have to find out. Please always know, we love you all.
XOXO, Denise