That is the best way to describe it. Every time the thought of Tuesday, October 18th @ 8am pops in to my head (which is all the freakin time) my body surges with this pain – from head to toe. It makes my head spin and my heart beats uncontrollable. It is like being electrocuted; this jolt just surges through my body so quickly.
Tim is struggling. I am struggling. OUR DAUGHTER ARE STRUGGLING REALLY BAD. It seems worse this time – but maybe I say that every time. This time though, seems even more critical. We have been told ‘no more chemo’, ‘Tim’s body needs a break from chemo’ and we know that too. So WHAT IF (there are those two-words again) the scan doesn’t come back in our favor. We’ve been told no surgery. OH MY GODDDDD WHAT THEN? Seriously, that is screaming in my face and making my head pound… what then? what then? what then?
But then I tell myself, we can still take a break and it will ‘behave’ and we will find a treatment during that time. I continue to grasp any bit of hope and positivity that I can. I pray for the strength to do so. I pray for the guidance that we might need. I pray for the knowledge of HOW TO HELP OUR GIRLS… and that is where I’m really, really, really struggling right now. I am not getting the guidance or the signs that I need. So I just sit here and reassure them how much we love them. I reassure them about how important it is to hold on to their Faith. How important it is to remain Hopeful. I do this and do this and do this… but how can I actually believe that it is helping them and that they can actually do that WHEN I AM STRUGGLING TO DO IT MYSELF!!!!!!!!!
This is absolute torture. I am completely coming out of my skin. I don’t know what to do. I cannot stop worrying about them… about Tim. Worry is such a ridiculous thing – it is pointless – but yes I’m human and it is CONSUMING ME. Skyler is being vocal with me, telling me how scared she is, how sad she is, how worried she is. And here I sit – FREAKIN USELESS. I cannot do anything to help her… I cannot do a damn thing to make her feel better. Mackenzie shares her worries with us also, but seems to be holding back much more than she used to as a young girl. She seems to be bottling up her emotions and that FRIGHTENS THE HECK OUT OF ME!
I FEEL USELESS RIGHT NOW. I AM NOT ME. I AM COMPLETELY UNGLUED AND I AM BACK TO WANTING TO KNOW WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is painful enough having to know and see what my dear Husband has to go through every single day, but this torture on my beautiful baby girls is just pushing me over the edge. It truly is.
I cannot say it enough – be thankful for your beautiful life even with its’ struggles – especially if they are temporary or something that can be fixed/replaced or about something of monetary value – because those are “THINGS”… be thankful that your worries are about “things” and not YOUR people – not YOUR entire world and purpose for being… these three are my purpose for being!!!!!!!!!! They are my everything – everything – and I have to see them going through this torture, this pain, enduring this insane amount of sadness. I am BEYOND sad, there are just no words to tell you how incredibly difficult this is. I cannot. I am devastated and completely beat up – this hurts so incredibly bad.
Tuesday, October 18th is my 47th Birthday. I have never in my life wanted a birthday gift like I want this one. I would give up every”thing” I have…and I mean EVERY”THING” – to get good news on Tuesday. We need it. We deserve it.
Pray like crazy…