Some days are a struggle for the emotional me…. March 2017

Shit!  It seems that there are triggers everywhere for me right now.  Today, this morning, I am sick to my stomach with memories of 5 years ago.  Sick with thoughts of what happened to our family 5 years ago, although all days leading up to that day were “so normal”.  Boy, they were just ‘ordinary’ days.  Facebook shares with you memories through their “On This Day” app.  I generally, actually always love it.  It is so fun to look back at pictures and good times and information that I wanted to share with everyone.  It is actually one of my most favorite parts of FB.  Today’s FB memory from 5 years ago was me posting about how excited I was to be in my 8 hour training class to be a Hospice Volunteer…  hmmm, hard for me to see from my Denise eyes of today.

I wonder, what PTSD is really like – because I think this is a small mirror of what it is like.  Right now, my head is absolutely screaming!  I am serious.  I am crying and nothing has even happened.  I just keep thinking that on March 6, 2012 I was doing my ‘ordinary’ thing.  Life was just ‘ordinary’.  I am certain I was irritated with little things not being exactly as I imagined they should be because for those that really know me, you know about my control issues.  I am certain I was missing everything that was beautiful around me.  I am certain I wasn’t thinking about what was to come in just a short 23 days.
Gosh, is it always this rough at this time of the year or is it especially rough because I cannot believe we are approaching 5 years living with this disease.  This torture.  Living with the constant fear and worry.  5 years of living with the appreciation of every little thing that surrounds us.  Living during that time with a love and passion that we never had or knew before.
My arms feel jerky.  I am sort of twitchy to be honest with you.  I cannot seem to grab on and focus.  I just keep thinking and thinking and thinking about that awesomely fun Birthday Party for our baby girl on March 31st 2012 and the fact that Tim lay up in bed by himself in pain because that is where I made him stay… because of course, he had the stomach bug and I didn’t want all of the little beauties sleeping over at our house to get sick.  A stomach bug….  wow.  I mean, that’s all it was suppose to be – everyone around us had been sick with stomach crap for weeks.  Who knew what was inside him that would soon paralyze us.
Today is just another opportunity for me to stop what I am doing, step back and thank God for all that He has done for us.  To be thankful that my Tim is still here and doing as great as he is.  It is an opportunity for me to remind ALL OF YOU, to appreciate the ‘ordinary’.  It is a beautiful thing.  Be thankful for the days that seem and feel mundane.  They ARE days.  You ARE here.  You ARE healthy.  You have those that love you and you have ONE LIFE TO LIVE so appreciate it and the ordinary beauty that it gives you every day.  If you truly appreciate the ordinary you WILL see the beauty.
I fear that I am in for a really rough month.  For an incredible roller coaster ride of emotions and there may be more lows than highs.  I am certain Tim’s feeling the same way and his feeling are 1000x more intense than mine.  He is good at hiding it and ensuring those around him don’t sense it and that includes me and the girls.  I on the other hand, am totally not.  So know that if I see you this month and I seem strange, it is most definitely not you.  Just roll with it, with me, with us….
XOXO, Denise
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